It’s quite trendy to comment on social media posts, texts, tweets…the words “I’m jealous!” to friends and loved ones in an effort to express happiness or excitement for an event, opportunity, or travel exploration. I find this odd. I have a love for words and their definitions. Jealousy could NEVER be happy or excited for someone else. It is just NOT the nature of jealousy. So, for all the texters and tweeters out there using this phrase, are you really jealous; envious? The point of this blog is NOT to bash well-intentioned people that use the phrase, but to differentiate between those that are truly well-intentioned, and those that are not. Most that use the phrase, “I’m jealous!” mean well. However, overuse of the word has removed the weighty ugliness behind the truth of JEALOUSY.
It’s fairly simple to distinguish between envy and jealousy simply by their definitions. In a paraphrased definition, ENVY desires that which belongs to another. Envy struggles with discontent but has the ability to move forward without resentment. Envy is more of an internal struggle with the potential to push past the discontent to remain cordial, kind, and even loving toward the person (or object) of envy. However, JEALOUSY is not capable of such. Jealousy may fake attempts – but at the heart of it all – more ugliness exists.
Envy is clearly not good. It can destroy relationships. However, JEALOUSY is far worse. It WILL destroy relationships.
In a Romantic relationship, it is understandable to experience emotions of grief or pain when the person you desire is focused elsewhere. In a close friendship, it is likewise understandable when one friend is distanced or pre-occupied while the other grieves the change in the friendship. The emotions of grief, despair, disappointment, and insecurity initiated by the experience of lack or loss are actually normal emotions for such situations. Legitimate reasons for feelings of insecurity, loss or lack may (or may not) exist. However, IF legitimate reasons do exist in such situations, it is still not acceptable to remain in a state of jealousy – because it will DESTROY. Jealousy takes situations to entirely new levels. In fact, jealousy can pop its ugly head whenever it feels like it – without rhyme or reason – for no truly explainable change, circumstance, or situation. Someone can simply be jealous because he/she “feels” like it and will convince herself that it’s okay to feel that way.
JEALOUSY convinces itself to ENTITLEMENT – to have whatever (whomever) she wants. It’s a vicious cycle. Jealousy usually avoids confrontation, harbors resentment which can turn to bitterness (if not dealt with), and can then lead to anger. In the worst of cases, deep anger can lead to violence. On a milder and non-violent scale, jealousy will find a way to hurt or “get back” at the person (destroy an event, or make a circumstance worse) as a means of expressing that resentment. Jealousy most usually manipulates. Jealousy often likes to compare and couples itself with the desire to be the best or “better one.” Some will explain it as competitiveness, but it’s jealousy. Competition is appropriate in a sport, game, contest, etc… Comparison and competition in relationships and friendships are not healthy. If you constantly need affirmation, or feel the need to always be “the better one” – it’s not healthy.
An envious person may avoid resentment and may maintain the ability to be well-intentioned toward the person or situation of which she is envious. However, a jealous and resentful person will most typically find a way to show disapproval, discontent, or anger directly (saying or doing obvious hurtful things) or indirectly (by not saying or doing things and taking the approach of avoidance). In either case, a resentful person wants someone or something to “pay the price” for how she is feeling. For this reason, jealousy destroys (and oftentimes to the point of no reconciliation) relationships.
Most people are envious (and its silly) when looking at magazines and noticing the latest trends, vacations, and luxuries that they wish they had. It becomes jealousy when gossip comes into play. Gossip fits the definition perfectly because it intends to hurt or get back at someone (not that the rich and famous care – this is just an example, so stay with me.) It sounds silly because in our culture, stardom and gossip seem to co-exist. The point is – it’s a matter of (an emotional) heart condition. AND – it works both ways. It certainly seems like the ads and magazines WANT we “less-thans” to be envious and jealous of the stars, the rich and the famous. Of course! The motive is sales. In our culture, it just works that way. We buy into it. Many love it; crave it! Let’s take that same concept; however, and use it with our friends and loved ones. We’ve already established that being jealous OF another is dangerous. What about those that WANT you to be jealous of them? If you’ve ever experienced it; it’s weird. In fact, it can get really awkward when the jealous person makes the effort to convince you (and others) that YOU are the jealous one. The one sure way to really recognize the manipulation is to keep a pure heart, free of jealousy and resentment. As you do, you can then recognize a jealous manipulator much more easily. If you remain open, honest and pure-hearted, then the signs of jealousy, resentment and possibly avoidance will start to pop up. It’s just wise to know that some people WANT you to be jealous of them. Once you know it, you know it.
Jealousy is just part of our fallen nature. Jealousy will peek its head in life. The key is – deal with it. If the jealous person doesn’t deal with it – the relationship is going to be quite unpleasant.
Know yourself. Are you the type to NOT really struggle with jealousy issues often? For me, jealousy has never been a big issue (I can’t say that I’ve never experienced it). Some people really don’t struggle with it as much as other shortcomings (just ask my mother – she would know!) If you are this type of person, others may often feel jealous of you. It just seems to work out that way. Non-jealous people are usually too busy “doing their thing” and/or inwardly confident and don’t have time to amuse themselves with the efforts of unhealthy comparisons, etc…
Know yourself. Are you the type to often internally battle with comparison, competition, envy or jealousy? If you do, are you able to quickly and easily recognize it and stop further damaging actions (resentment, anger, gossip, avoidance, evil plotting, etc..) ? If you are the type to easily fall into the further damaging actions that come with jealousy – I suggest seeking counsel. There may be a reason why you think that way. Perhaps injustices in your own life left you to believe that your approach is a means to emotional survival?
It’s best to know that envy and jealousy destroy relationships. If you can accept and agree with that, it’s a really good start. It’s baffling to me how many people blog about finding ways to induce jealousy. For some, jealousy is a manipulative art that is treasured. My question is, do you really want to play games and manipulate? Some do. I approach relationships in a much more freeing way. Personally, I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. In friendships, if you don’t value me – then it’s time to move on. It’s actually quite easy.
Please make this one final distinction. If someone is truly experiencing loss, pain, or a change in life (illness, financial trouble, divorce or relationship trouble, etc…) or a combination of any of those mentioned, and you begin to notice a change in that person – be compassionate. Don’t assume or jump to the conclusion that the person is envious of jealous of you. It may be true that the struggles of that person leads him/her to wish for a different situation – that is normal. Let that person emotionally go through their journey. Be a good friend or family member and come alongside that person with understanding and a helping hand. The priority in such a situation is to help the one you care for to get through the hard time. However, if the friend begins to manipulate in his/her situation and places unfair expectations and demands along with constant signs of jealousy (that simply can not be overcome in reasonable time) – then at that point, the help needed may be beyond you.
However, if there’s a person you care for in life that begins to experience such trials, help out – don’t make it harder. I can personally share that I’ve been in a situation (more than once) that due to my health and other life circumstances – I felt very sad and defeated. I did wish to have another circumstance. It was an emotionally challenging time. Some, stood by my side. Others, misunderstood. Some, did not lend a hand, kept a distance, or assumed I was jealous. It’s a horrible thing to be thought of as jealous when you are in a place of need and just want to feel supported, understood, and considered.
Be compassionate, gentle-hearted, thoughtful, and put the needs of others before your own.
“Do not be concerned about your own interests (needs), but also be concerned about the interests of others.” Philippians 2:4 (International Standard Version)
Blessings of “good seeds” to you!
God’s seed: James 3:16 “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”
God’s seed: Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
missionzera blessings
-Brook
Sibling Jealousy
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